On grief

What grief told me is that it has many faces…. We feel too much; so much at times, that we become numb by it all; one minute we might be laughing at the sweet memory of a loved one and the next, experience the tears of sadness from the loss of that person…

The past three years have been insightful. First, came the news of my grandfather’s cancer, then the end of a career and lastly the loss of my dog. Grief has changed me, it has made me vulnerable, more sensitive and in some ways cracked me open. I have learnt to sit down with the pain and feel it all, in its rawness, in its most uncontained form… terrifying and beautiful at the same time. As much as one may be prepared for death; one is never really prepared for what comes next when death is at your door. Death comes with an immeasurable amount of pain and offers relief in comfort, for we know that the pain for the suffering one has ended.

What it has showed me is that the greater the love, the greater the feeling of loss, the greater the pain, the longer the grieving process…. It has been a long complex journey. I have experienced that acceptance can sometimes be the toughest thing to do. When we love, we hold on to it, to what it was and to how we want things to remain unchanged. We understand on an intellectual level that death is part of life, that it is selfish to ask them to stay while they are in pain and yet struggle with the acceptance of separation on an emotional level.

Today, I am in a space where I can welcome grief, I don’t fight it, I don’t suppress it, I don’t hate it… I WELCOME IT. I welcome my emotions and I honour my ability to feel. On some days I still cry the loss and on other days I express my gratitude for the love and the fond memories.